My brain is throbbing and I'm not sure why. It might be my period and I hope I'm not getting sick.
Enough complaining, I have something awesome to post about!
Yesterday, for Valentine's day, Aaron took me to a really fancy restaurant! It's this place called Terrapin. They use this old church and had it renovated to be a restaurant, and there were balloons and hearts everywhere; it was so cute. I was so nervous. Aaron and I are quickly coming to three years together and I never am nervous around him any more, but I couldn't help myself. I think it was because this was our first real date in a while. We do spend a lot of time together, and we go out and have a nice time just hanging out, but this was, like, official. Aaron also wore this really nice outfit; it was brown slacks, and a yellow/white stripped top. Super cute and nerdy. <3 The ride over was nice, too; New York is beautiful.
The food was so tasty. You get this sort of appetizer, then a soup or salad, the meal, and dessert. I totally had to bring half of my entree home. The appetizer was an assortment, and mine had to be altered because of my possible shellfish allergy. So, while Aaron and I had the same thing, he had a lobster portion and mine was replaced with goat cheese wantons that were awesome. The things we had the same of was a bit of lamb in this green herb-sauce, brie and mango on a bit of toast, and a wedge of duck quesadilla. It all was really good, but I liked the duck the best. (And I'm not even a fan of duck normally. Tastes like if you threw a chicken in old grease. lol)
Aaron and I picked the same soup, roasted garlic. It was a bowl of brown, with a large crouton on top. Also, the crouton had a piece of garlic on it which was amazing. I could only have a little bit because it was a biog bowl and also eating just garlic got to me. For the meal, Aaron ordered ribs and I ordered steak. Since Aaron is sick right now we didn't share (he refused to take any of mine if I couldn't pick at his.) but he did say is was awesome. Mine was great; it had blue cheese on top, a side of potatoes and a side of spinach. It was perfect. Dessert Aaron had something with apricot, and I had a chocolate-lava dealie with ice cream. Keep in mind that the portions were smaller than a normal restaurant by about half to a third, (aside from the soup, that was a lot.) and we still both couldn't clean our plates. lol Oh! Also, we had drinks. Aaron got a mojito, which is his favorite, and I got something called "Lusciously Lavender" which was so good. They took a Lavender vodka, then added lavender syrup. It was amazing and rather tart.
I love hanging out with Aaron, and going on dates with him is always amazing. He manages to use his humor to get me to blush. He told me the things he loves about me and we chatted about a bunch of little things, too. One of the things is he said I have four distinct laughs and he loves each one. He then started to describe these laughs, which made me, well, laugh.
Also since he was sick he stayed home and we cuddled and watched a movie! XD It was a wonderful Valentine's day. <3 I am so lucky.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Aaron made me coffee before the left for work.
I am home alone today, and will be for the rest of this week. Aaron's parents went on vacation together, which is great, but Aaron also has a 9-5 job that is about an hour away, so from 8 am - to a little after 6 pm I am by myself in a house that makes a lot of noise. I grew up alone, and preferred the time to myself over spending it hearing my mom bitch about stuff, but I had people to talk to on the phone, I had stuff to do online, I knew the neighbor hood and could go to the park. Out here I don't have a park to go to, plus there is a lot of snow all over and my little canvas shoes won't stay dry. I'm not as much of a phone person as I was and even if I was, I don't have many people I could call and talk to for a long time.
I do have things to do that can keep my mind busy. I can make dolls, draw, look up stuff to read, play Wow, but still, trying to feel comfortable alone in a house still just creeps me out too much. I know I should stop reading creepy stories, and should not watch scary movies, but I enjoy them too much, and I've always been this paranoid; even before I got into horror.
It's only been an hour since Aaron left for work, but it feels like it should have been one and a half if not two already. I know I'll be okay, but I just needed to vent.
On a different note I have to call Fashion Bug today. They need a part time sales person, which is good for me. Sadly I have no way of getting to my interview. Hopefully I can ask Aaron's sister Rachel to take me. I know she won't mind, but I hate to ask favors from people sometimes.
I do have things to do that can keep my mind busy. I can make dolls, draw, look up stuff to read, play Wow, but still, trying to feel comfortable alone in a house still just creeps me out too much. I know I should stop reading creepy stories, and should not watch scary movies, but I enjoy them too much, and I've always been this paranoid; even before I got into horror.
It's only been an hour since Aaron left for work, but it feels like it should have been one and a half if not two already. I know I'll be okay, but I just needed to vent.
On a different note I have to call Fashion Bug today. They need a part time sales person, which is good for me. Sadly I have no way of getting to my interview. Hopefully I can ask Aaron's sister Rachel to take me. I know she won't mind, but I hate to ask favors from people sometimes.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
It's not that I forgot, it's just that I .... forgot?
I haven't posted in a little while, I would remember to but I'd be in the middle of something else. When I had nothing to do I didn't think of blogging. So, I didn't forget, technically, but, also, I kinda forgot. Sorry!
So, I've worked on a few things. I made two new dolls, one is a cat and one is a little goblin. They are on my facebook, and right now I'm on Aaron's mac. I figure anyone here also has me on facebook anyway and has probably already seen them.
Something that's cool is Aaron's sister Rachel gave me a 50 dollar gift card to Hobby Lobby for fabric so I could practice more. It was really nice, but a little awkward at the same time. I will take something if someone offers and I want it, but I'm just not that used to people offering me things out o the blue, and that much. So, I got some gray, blue and purple broad cloth because it was only three dollars a yard and not too hard to work with. I made my own patterns and am learning what works and what doesn't. I've even figured out some basic embroidery for the faces.
Also, Aaron's mom is being really supportive which is nice, however, it's weird how she does it. I'll show her a doll and she'll ask it if it has a name. The first one I made, the bear, she did this little voice, turned it toward me and went, "Are you my mommy?" My own personal issues with that aside, that's still weird. I said no, and then she proceeded to make the bear cry. It broke my heart, and then the fact that she could tug on my heartstrings made me kinda frustrated with her. I had to tell myself, in my mind, that the doll wasn't crying and that she was weird to shake it. (She did the voice well, obviously.) That with my own issues with family and abandonment just made it uncomfortable.
Aside from that weird moment she has been insisting that I keep each doll I show her. I think/hope she just wants me to keep one and will let me give and sell the rest. There are some people that I have promised dolls as gifts, and then as I learn I do want to sell some and maybe just made back the cost plus a little extra. I know I won't be making loads of money from this. Here's hoping that Aaron's mom will chill out about whether or not I keep or sell the dolls I make. All that aside; I do appreciate the support.
Monday I have to call the Fashion Bug and see if they looked at my application. I always thought at 24 (closing in on 25 on the 22nd) I would have a jobs that pays well. Guess not. :< ... That's why I make dolls. It makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life.
So, I've worked on a few things. I made two new dolls, one is a cat and one is a little goblin. They are on my facebook, and right now I'm on Aaron's mac. I figure anyone here also has me on facebook anyway and has probably already seen them.
Something that's cool is Aaron's sister Rachel gave me a 50 dollar gift card to Hobby Lobby for fabric so I could practice more. It was really nice, but a little awkward at the same time. I will take something if someone offers and I want it, but I'm just not that used to people offering me things out o the blue, and that much. So, I got some gray, blue and purple broad cloth because it was only three dollars a yard and not too hard to work with. I made my own patterns and am learning what works and what doesn't. I've even figured out some basic embroidery for the faces.
Also, Aaron's mom is being really supportive which is nice, however, it's weird how she does it. I'll show her a doll and she'll ask it if it has a name. The first one I made, the bear, she did this little voice, turned it toward me and went, "Are you my mommy?" My own personal issues with that aside, that's still weird. I said no, and then she proceeded to make the bear cry. It broke my heart, and then the fact that she could tug on my heartstrings made me kinda frustrated with her. I had to tell myself, in my mind, that the doll wasn't crying and that she was weird to shake it. (She did the voice well, obviously.) That with my own issues with family and abandonment just made it uncomfortable.
Aside from that weird moment she has been insisting that I keep each doll I show her. I think/hope she just wants me to keep one and will let me give and sell the rest. There are some people that I have promised dolls as gifts, and then as I learn I do want to sell some and maybe just made back the cost plus a little extra. I know I won't be making loads of money from this. Here's hoping that Aaron's mom will chill out about whether or not I keep or sell the dolls I make. All that aside; I do appreciate the support.
Monday I have to call the Fashion Bug and see if they looked at my application. I always thought at 24 (closing in on 25 on the 22nd) I would have a jobs that pays well. Guess not. :< ... That's why I make dolls. It makes me feel like I'm doing something with my life.
Monday, January 24, 2011
I had this dream about being Ginko.
Ginko is a character from a relaxing, and sometimes sad, anime called Mushi-shi. I got the box set for Christmas. Aaron and I like watching and episode or two before bed of a show, or about half an hour of a movie. So, recently we watched this one. I liked it a lot, but they didn't offer enough backstory on the main character, and they didn't offer any sort of really settled ending; not even cliff hanger. It feels like they ran out of funding. Despite that, I still really liked it, and Ginko was very likable. He was calm and reserved, but very helpful and kind. You can clearly see how close he is to being the common anime badass who is grumpy and doesn't talk to anyone, but they don't sully their story with that. Ginko's experiences has made him humble and respectful of others. He is probably one of the most realistic and well portrayed anime characters ever. So, last night, I dreamed that I was him. I have no shame in admitting that I wish I could be more like him; calm and relaxed, but forceful when I have to be.
I haven't posted in a while, so here is what's up: I ran my game. I have about three days of in game material. We got through one day in about five hours and needed to break for the evening. Wat's more is I had fun running and everyone liked my story. The one guy, Pete, who is the one everyone regards as the person to look up to said something to the effect of, "Girls that play DnD are like rare; girls who DM are like gems." He said this to Aaron about me before he left which is pretty cool.
Aaron and I have been playing Wow together and that's been fun. I've been pmsing, so I think my grumpiness has been based on that and not anything real. Aaron is leveling up faster than me which has been pissing me off, but it's only because he's taken mining and herbalism, the only two professions that give you xp. He intends on selling it all for gold since he can't make anything. I picked skinning and leather working, which nets me no xp. I figured I would be making us our leather armor since we both picked Druids who use leather, but since I did refer-a-friend we level up so fast and do dungeons so much that my armor just gets sold back to the game. The one pretty cool thing is that I make leather patches that you put on a piece of armor to reinforce it. So, at any time I can have extra armor on any hand item, legs item, feet item and chest item. It's only a little bit of armor, too, compared to our totals, but it's still a nice little boost.
I've been itching to play my horde characters, too. I have a troll hunter, an undead warlock, and a blood elf mage who are all under 20th level. So, I do want to fix that.
Jobs are still avoiding me, but I have some apps to turn in. I think after a little waking up I can finish filling them out. Keep me in good thoughts, please. :)
I haven't posted in a while, so here is what's up: I ran my game. I have about three days of in game material. We got through one day in about five hours and needed to break for the evening. Wat's more is I had fun running and everyone liked my story. The one guy, Pete, who is the one everyone regards as the person to look up to said something to the effect of, "Girls that play DnD are like rare; girls who DM are like gems." He said this to Aaron about me before he left which is pretty cool.
Aaron and I have been playing Wow together and that's been fun. I've been pmsing, so I think my grumpiness has been based on that and not anything real. Aaron is leveling up faster than me which has been pissing me off, but it's only because he's taken mining and herbalism, the only two professions that give you xp. He intends on selling it all for gold since he can't make anything. I picked skinning and leather working, which nets me no xp. I figured I would be making us our leather armor since we both picked Druids who use leather, but since I did refer-a-friend we level up so fast and do dungeons so much that my armor just gets sold back to the game. The one pretty cool thing is that I make leather patches that you put on a piece of armor to reinforce it. So, at any time I can have extra armor on any hand item, legs item, feet item and chest item. It's only a little bit of armor, too, compared to our totals, but it's still a nice little boost.
I've been itching to play my horde characters, too. I have a troll hunter, an undead warlock, and a blood elf mage who are all under 20th level. So, I do want to fix that.
Jobs are still avoiding me, but I have some apps to turn in. I think after a little waking up I can finish filling them out. Keep me in good thoughts, please. :)
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Coffee this morning was lukewarm.
Today Aaron goes back to work. Yesterday he was supposed to have off, but with the freezing rain he wasn't able to go in. My Shaman dinged 85 and we played our Worgens together for a while which was really cool. The only think that sucks is that my laptop can't handle lots of graphics even when it's set on low, so near the end of the Worgen starting area there was just too much geometry on the screen and everything slowed down and it didn't recover until I logged out and turned the game off for a bit. It's very annoying to say the least. At some point I need to get myself a really nice gaming desktop. Sadly, for that, I need income.
On that note, we went to the mall and I got applications to a few places. Only two places didn't say they weren't hiring, and only one said they were. It just feels like a waste of time to fill them all out. It's depressing.
Since I'm on my period I don't feel like working on anything. There is no way I'm crawling around on the floor to cut out fabric, and I haven't touched my plot line since early last week. Right now I don't even feel like I can care. The plan is for me to run on friday, too. So, there is this pressure to run my story. Luckily I think I can BS what I have so far even if I don't write any more notes. .... I hope. Maybe I'll try later. I'm not sure yet.
On that note, we went to the mall and I got applications to a few places. Only two places didn't say they weren't hiring, and only one said they were. It just feels like a waste of time to fill them all out. It's depressing.
Since I'm on my period I don't feel like working on anything. There is no way I'm crawling around on the floor to cut out fabric, and I haven't touched my plot line since early last week. Right now I don't even feel like I can care. The plan is for me to run on friday, too. So, there is this pressure to run my story. Luckily I think I can BS what I have so far even if I don't write any more notes. .... I hope. Maybe I'll try later. I'm not sure yet.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I don't have much to say today.
I didn't run my game last weekend and I'm aiming for this friday. I just need more tie to write things out. When I put things in my note book I add more details so things run smoother and it takes me longer. I kinda hate it, but if I focus I can do it.
Also, I'm at level 83 in wow. I'm so close to 84 that I can probably get that in about an hour or less. Today is dedicated to getting to 85 if I can and filling out applications for jobs at the mall.
That's about it; I've got nothing else on my mind. :)
Also, I'm at level 83 in wow. I'm so close to 84 that I can probably get that in about an hour or less. Today is dedicated to getting to 85 if I can and filling out applications for jobs at the mall.
That's about it; I've got nothing else on my mind. :)
Friday, January 14, 2011
So, this won't be a daily blog.
I noticed that I've been missing days every so often, even though I have things I want to post. Sorry about that! So, let's talk about some goals!
I made three things since I last posted, pictures will follow later. I made a skirt. I have a pattern for a skirt but it called for nearly 5 yards of fabric which I didn't have. I had three yards of the fabric I wanted from before. I took my fabric and width ways unfolded it (when fabric is on a bolt in the store it's folded over), then I refolded it length-wise. I then measured out a wide waist to offer some poof around the waist band, then I cut to the corners. I will tell you now: elastic waistbands are a bitch to put in. lol I tacked down everything and sewed the elastic band in. I only really messed up on two parts of the skirt. The waistband I was starting to gather too much fabric as I sewed it down, so I simply stopped, straightened things out and began from where I left off. Pulling out the stitches and doing it again would have been ridiculous. The second mistake is on the side hem; neither is straight but one looks so wonky. Considering it's a skirt and meant to be a bottom layer I am calling this one a success.
I also made a little shawl-thingy. This came out really well. I, however, didn't get 'anti-pill' fleece, which means it will get little icky balls of fluff clinging to it. I do have a remedy: go buy a top layer fabric and sew it on top. It will hide the icky texture and it will look more finished and feel warmer if I get a heavy one. I will hold off on tackling a jacket until I get this top layer and make them match.
Next I made a cute little lamb. It looks kinda retarded, though. I had bought and embroidery kit before we moved and never tried it. So, I jumped in the deep end and made a basic little face. It looks so weird, but not too bad. The only thing I need to be mindful of was I cut the fabric weird on the back and there is more material there then there should be making the lamb look like a hunch back. I had bought too much pink fleece for this on accident (because I forgot that fabric is folded over when you buy it, even though I was looking right at it.) So, I can surely make a second lamb, and possibly squeeze a little something else out of the remnants if I have enough left. Not being a pink-person, myself, anything I make will either before my friend Melissa or my niece.
In other news, my Shaman is level 81 (and, about a third of the way through, if that.), so I am in the newest areas that came out a little before christmas. They are amazing. Right now I'm running around underwater. Oh, man. I had a panic moment while playing. Like a real-life I was starting to feel scared moment, too, which was kinda awesome. So, there is this underwater world, and while there you can run around on the sea floor and you don't have to worry about not being able to breathe. There is cool sealife floating around and then there are areas that you can come to the surface in a cave, still below the depths. It's amazing, honestly.
So, on to my little moment. I'm swimming around and there is this huge structure shaped like a bug which is already kinda gross. Then I nice you can enter through this little tendril; so I do. Right away I was a little skeeved out. The inside was small and all fleshy which made me feel uneasy. So, I figured if I kept going I might surface in a more open structure, right? No, the little surface area was still in that tiny tube. I have no idea why but I needed to get out of there. Creepy sea monsters, I love them, but at the same time they freak the crap out of me. Anything bigger than me makes me feel nervous. Anything that can swallow me in one gulp irks me. This was all that in one, kinda. Not to mention the fleshy texture really did me in. (I don't even like the walk-through heart in the Franklin Institute.) So, I felt my heart jump, my face turn a little red, and I needed to breathe slow. I got out fast and then started laughing. It scared me, but it was fun.
Okay, now on to my last little bit:
I have been working on my plot and writing it out. I noticed I'm writing a lot more than I had made a note of just so things stay clear in my head. So, I'm just through the intro and moved on to some interactive stuff. Then I stopped out of boredom. Today being friday; I should finish today if I want to run things this weekend. I can, too, but I really don't want to. It's a crappy feeling. I may or may not complete this goal. Getting to 85 is, like, consuming me because I want Aaron to play and I want to play my Worgen. It feels like "You can't have dessert until you finish your veggies." And I'm like, "Shit, just give me the damn ice cream; I ate most of my veggies. Wrap them up and I'll have them later!" So, I'm not enjoying these last few levels to their full extent because I feel like I have to do it. :< Change something from 'for fun' to 'have to' and I suddenly hate it.
I made three things since I last posted, pictures will follow later. I made a skirt. I have a pattern for a skirt but it called for nearly 5 yards of fabric which I didn't have. I had three yards of the fabric I wanted from before. I took my fabric and width ways unfolded it (when fabric is on a bolt in the store it's folded over), then I refolded it length-wise. I then measured out a wide waist to offer some poof around the waist band, then I cut to the corners. I will tell you now: elastic waistbands are a bitch to put in. lol I tacked down everything and sewed the elastic band in. I only really messed up on two parts of the skirt. The waistband I was starting to gather too much fabric as I sewed it down, so I simply stopped, straightened things out and began from where I left off. Pulling out the stitches and doing it again would have been ridiculous. The second mistake is on the side hem; neither is straight but one looks so wonky. Considering it's a skirt and meant to be a bottom layer I am calling this one a success.
I also made a little shawl-thingy. This came out really well. I, however, didn't get 'anti-pill' fleece, which means it will get little icky balls of fluff clinging to it. I do have a remedy: go buy a top layer fabric and sew it on top. It will hide the icky texture and it will look more finished and feel warmer if I get a heavy one. I will hold off on tackling a jacket until I get this top layer and make them match.
Next I made a cute little lamb. It looks kinda retarded, though. I had bought and embroidery kit before we moved and never tried it. So, I jumped in the deep end and made a basic little face. It looks so weird, but not too bad. The only thing I need to be mindful of was I cut the fabric weird on the back and there is more material there then there should be making the lamb look like a hunch back. I had bought too much pink fleece for this on accident (because I forgot that fabric is folded over when you buy it, even though I was looking right at it.) So, I can surely make a second lamb, and possibly squeeze a little something else out of the remnants if I have enough left. Not being a pink-person, myself, anything I make will either before my friend Melissa or my niece.
In other news, my Shaman is level 81 (and, about a third of the way through, if that.), so I am in the newest areas that came out a little before christmas. They are amazing. Right now I'm running around underwater. Oh, man. I had a panic moment while playing. Like a real-life I was starting to feel scared moment, too, which was kinda awesome. So, there is this underwater world, and while there you can run around on the sea floor and you don't have to worry about not being able to breathe. There is cool sealife floating around and then there are areas that you can come to the surface in a cave, still below the depths. It's amazing, honestly.
So, on to my little moment. I'm swimming around and there is this huge structure shaped like a bug which is already kinda gross. Then I nice you can enter through this little tendril; so I do. Right away I was a little skeeved out. The inside was small and all fleshy which made me feel uneasy. So, I figured if I kept going I might surface in a more open structure, right? No, the little surface area was still in that tiny tube. I have no idea why but I needed to get out of there. Creepy sea monsters, I love them, but at the same time they freak the crap out of me. Anything bigger than me makes me feel nervous. Anything that can swallow me in one gulp irks me. This was all that in one, kinda. Not to mention the fleshy texture really did me in. (I don't even like the walk-through heart in the Franklin Institute.) So, I felt my heart jump, my face turn a little red, and I needed to breathe slow. I got out fast and then started laughing. It scared me, but it was fun.
Okay, now on to my last little bit:
I have been working on my plot and writing it out. I noticed I'm writing a lot more than I had made a note of just so things stay clear in my head. So, I'm just through the intro and moved on to some interactive stuff. Then I stopped out of boredom. Today being friday; I should finish today if I want to run things this weekend. I can, too, but I really don't want to. It's a crappy feeling. I may or may not complete this goal. Getting to 85 is, like, consuming me because I want Aaron to play and I want to play my Worgen. It feels like "You can't have dessert until you finish your veggies." And I'm like, "Shit, just give me the damn ice cream; I ate most of my veggies. Wrap them up and I'll have them later!" So, I'm not enjoying these last few levels to their full extent because I feel like I have to do it. :< Change something from 'for fun' to 'have to' and I suddenly hate it.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I didn't sleep well last night.
Long story short because I hate thinking about something I feel like I have no control over:
I have no job, and it feels like no one will ever hire me. I have student loans to pay back on a monthly basis and there is no way to defer it. I can and did defer part but not all. I have talked through all of my options with multiple Sallie Mae reps and my only option is get a job, which, see above, or let my credit die before it's even had a chance to live. Not to mention my co-singer's which is my father which I have mixed feelings on. The normal part of me doesn't want to let that happen, and the vengeful, cold and uncaring side feels like it would be payback for leaving home and having me grow up with my crazy mother. Luckily, that normal part of me is winning because I don't want to be that other person. Not really.
After touching on that I don't even feel like talking about the good stuff. This bull shit really depresses me. Money has always been a problem for me. My mother has a gambling problem and spends money on this she shouldn't. I grew up hearing, "We don't have enough money and we are going to lose the house." She would set my brother and I down and show us our expenses as a family and say we needed to cut back. She would explain the numbers that couldn't change, like the mortgage, car insurance and others, then point out that internet was frivolous even though eventually internet was important for school. Keep in mind my brother and I were too young to get jobs to help, and the month I was 15 I was forced to go work at McDonald's; I've been working ever since. It's something I kinda hate, but understand having a job at 15 isn't really all that bad.
So, with this budgeting bullshit I pointed out to my mother how TV was obsolete and that with time you can find many thing on the internet to replace television; this was before Hulu and probably youtube, too, and even then I knew you could watch shows online if you tried. My mother being a TV addict said no to removing TV from our list of necessary expenses.
Now would be a good time to mention that I have a lot of things wrong with my brain; it doesn't work correctly. I have chemical imbalances, I have a section that isn't as developed as it should be, but another that's over developed. I could list the things I have been diagnosed with and what medications I've been on, but I honestly don't feel like tackling that today. I will leave it at this: I have a hand-washing thing. I HAVE TO was my hands or I feel like they progressively get dirtier and dirtier. I feel like those germs will get in my body and that I will be dirty for ever. So, I wash my hands a lot. Aside from medication I have tried ignoring it, thinking it out logically; nothing works. I live with it and deal with it. I tell you this to tell you that my mother brought up me using less water. She knew exactly what was wrong with me; tried getting me to stay on medicine for it, but noooo I need to use less water. I don't like admitting it, but then I didn't shower often, so if I switched washing my hands for regular showers I would use more water in the showers, most likely.
The other thing she tried pinning on me to make me feel bad (trust me, I know my mom, it was a "fixing through shame" situation.) was leaving lights on. During the day I tried my best not to use lights, but opening my curtains instead. I would do my best to turn things off when they weren't in use; I wasn't a saint about it, but I gave it a good effort for a kid. I used to have a crippling fear of the dark and I'm still not fond of it. However, unless I'm particularly spooked, I can move through a darkened room alone only fearing tripping on something real. Back then I needed a night light; I feared anything. So many parts of my house growing up had it's own monster to scare me. Under the bed, foot of my bed, side of my bed, the one little alcove that led out of my room, the stairs, the top corner of my mother's room, the window that looked into the back yard; the list goes on. All of these places scared me and the biggest bane of my existence was going up the stairs at night in any sort of semblance of darkness. I needed to leave a downstairs light on as I ascended into the darkness of the upstairs hall. I usually had every intention to get a flash light, turn on a light in the hall, then return downstairs and turn off anything downstairs, but most nights I couldn't bring myself to.
My mother used this against me, playing mind games. Mind games seemed to be her favorite things, screaming until she ran out of steam usually was her second favorite. She's one of two people that has made me so upset that on a normal day of health I have actually straight up vomited from the stress. (The other was an ex.)
Since this has evolved from me talking about Sallie Mae to me bitching about my mother, I also want to mention: I hate Atlantic City with a burning anger. As a child she would drag us there and gamble away the money she should have been using on that list mentioned before. It was boring and she would keep us there pretty late. She would give us money to go out on the board walk and shop at the mall there, or play games, but freak out if we were late meeting her because she was oh-so fucking scared someone had taken us. AC isn't really a place for children to be walking around alone. I remember one time that /i was so tired that I was sitting on the floor falling asleep. A security guard had to tell me not to sit on the floor (a crazy big no-no at AC is not sitting in a chair, which there are none in the lobby areas where we would wait during meet ups.) Actually, guards telling me and my brother not to sit on a ledge (a safe ledge to sit on mind you) or the floor (more understandable) happened nearly every time we were there. Anyway, this one time I was on the verge of tears because I was so tired, bored, and ready to be home in bed and my mom wanted to keep losing money. And yet she doesn't understand "Let me get to the next save point." at all. She's very impatient and selfish.
My oldest brother, Mike, has told her off and I think he is the one that loves her the most out of the three of us. Any attempt to calmly, forcefully, or even hint at pointing out something she could do to make her life better, or the lives of people around her go unheard. I think she blocks out memories. After I moved out she told me she was sorry for everything and it helped, but then she later called me crying and delusional asking me if she was a good mother. I didn't say no, but I didn't say yes. I told her that she tried her best, but she hurt me a lot. She needed to hear it. When I was little she would scream at us for everything, then later cry and apologize. She was so out of it that I had to lie, as a child, telling her she was the best mother ever. I used to say, "When God made me I picked to be your daughter." Which was bull shit; I never meant it for a second. Telling her "I love you" felt like a huge lie too. I didn't feel it. For a while I stopped saying it. It was near the end of high school that she put her foot down and made me start saying it again. I don't remember when I ever felt love for my mother, or even most of my family. I like most of my family, but loving them is just weird. I do know that I love my oldest brother, and my grandmother. Everyone else I don't know them well enough to feel anything.
Ten years ago I had thought that by now I'd be living somewhere with out any contact from anyone in my family; it was a goal of mine. I almost didn't even care if I was living a "good" life; I had just planned to cut off all contact.
I think I just realized the wording for how I feel about my mother's parenting. My mother's care for me was conditional, if she didn't feel like it it didn't happen. I was like a toy she got bored of quickly. As much as I hate admitting it, I know she loved me and tried her best, but her best wasn't good enough. Sure, I did have a rough over my head and she never hit us aside from spanking a looooong time ago. Her lies, her lack of reliability, the person she is makes her unfit to offer care for living things. My brother Mike and I talked about this a few years ago: my mother used to be okay, but she's gotten worse and worse in her heart and head. I want to say it's not her fault, but she could also stand to try harder. She and I have a lot of the same emotional and mental problems and I at least know children aren't little maids that need to clean up after you; they aren't mini adults. They can't handle all that craziness.
I can't honestly say I feel any better sharing this, because I've shared all this before, but I know I would have felt worse if I held it all in. I don't know if I can undo all the damage, the living in fear of punishment for not dusting after getting home from school, the ridicule for my tics I have no control over, the hatred she makes me feel. I used to be a sweet, happy, and loving child and when I think of me at six I cry and think "I am so sorry." And I don't know if I am apologizing for my mother's actions or my feelings. I just wish I could fix everything for that sweet little girl and save her from how I feel now as an adult.
Sorry for such a post, but I guess we can label this working on my goal of being happy. I don't know how to get over all of this, but maybe sharing will help me find an answer.
I have no job, and it feels like no one will ever hire me. I have student loans to pay back on a monthly basis and there is no way to defer it. I can and did defer part but not all. I have talked through all of my options with multiple Sallie Mae reps and my only option is get a job, which, see above, or let my credit die before it's even had a chance to live. Not to mention my co-singer's which is my father which I have mixed feelings on. The normal part of me doesn't want to let that happen, and the vengeful, cold and uncaring side feels like it would be payback for leaving home and having me grow up with my crazy mother. Luckily, that normal part of me is winning because I don't want to be that other person. Not really.
After touching on that I don't even feel like talking about the good stuff. This bull shit really depresses me. Money has always been a problem for me. My mother has a gambling problem and spends money on this she shouldn't. I grew up hearing, "We don't have enough money and we are going to lose the house." She would set my brother and I down and show us our expenses as a family and say we needed to cut back. She would explain the numbers that couldn't change, like the mortgage, car insurance and others, then point out that internet was frivolous even though eventually internet was important for school. Keep in mind my brother and I were too young to get jobs to help, and the month I was 15 I was forced to go work at McDonald's; I've been working ever since. It's something I kinda hate, but understand having a job at 15 isn't really all that bad.
So, with this budgeting bullshit I pointed out to my mother how TV was obsolete and that with time you can find many thing on the internet to replace television; this was before Hulu and probably youtube, too, and even then I knew you could watch shows online if you tried. My mother being a TV addict said no to removing TV from our list of necessary expenses.
Now would be a good time to mention that I have a lot of things wrong with my brain; it doesn't work correctly. I have chemical imbalances, I have a section that isn't as developed as it should be, but another that's over developed. I could list the things I have been diagnosed with and what medications I've been on, but I honestly don't feel like tackling that today. I will leave it at this: I have a hand-washing thing. I HAVE TO was my hands or I feel like they progressively get dirtier and dirtier. I feel like those germs will get in my body and that I will be dirty for ever. So, I wash my hands a lot. Aside from medication I have tried ignoring it, thinking it out logically; nothing works. I live with it and deal with it. I tell you this to tell you that my mother brought up me using less water. She knew exactly what was wrong with me; tried getting me to stay on medicine for it, but noooo I need to use less water. I don't like admitting it, but then I didn't shower often, so if I switched washing my hands for regular showers I would use more water in the showers, most likely.
The other thing she tried pinning on me to make me feel bad (trust me, I know my mom, it was a "fixing through shame" situation.) was leaving lights on. During the day I tried my best not to use lights, but opening my curtains instead. I would do my best to turn things off when they weren't in use; I wasn't a saint about it, but I gave it a good effort for a kid. I used to have a crippling fear of the dark and I'm still not fond of it. However, unless I'm particularly spooked, I can move through a darkened room alone only fearing tripping on something real. Back then I needed a night light; I feared anything. So many parts of my house growing up had it's own monster to scare me. Under the bed, foot of my bed, side of my bed, the one little alcove that led out of my room, the stairs, the top corner of my mother's room, the window that looked into the back yard; the list goes on. All of these places scared me and the biggest bane of my existence was going up the stairs at night in any sort of semblance of darkness. I needed to leave a downstairs light on as I ascended into the darkness of the upstairs hall. I usually had every intention to get a flash light, turn on a light in the hall, then return downstairs and turn off anything downstairs, but most nights I couldn't bring myself to.
My mother used this against me, playing mind games. Mind games seemed to be her favorite things, screaming until she ran out of steam usually was her second favorite. She's one of two people that has made me so upset that on a normal day of health I have actually straight up vomited from the stress. (The other was an ex.)
Since this has evolved from me talking about Sallie Mae to me bitching about my mother, I also want to mention: I hate Atlantic City with a burning anger. As a child she would drag us there and gamble away the money she should have been using on that list mentioned before. It was boring and she would keep us there pretty late. She would give us money to go out on the board walk and shop at the mall there, or play games, but freak out if we were late meeting her because she was oh-so fucking scared someone had taken us. AC isn't really a place for children to be walking around alone. I remember one time that /i was so tired that I was sitting on the floor falling asleep. A security guard had to tell me not to sit on the floor (a crazy big no-no at AC is not sitting in a chair, which there are none in the lobby areas where we would wait during meet ups.) Actually, guards telling me and my brother not to sit on a ledge (a safe ledge to sit on mind you) or the floor (more understandable) happened nearly every time we were there. Anyway, this one time I was on the verge of tears because I was so tired, bored, and ready to be home in bed and my mom wanted to keep losing money. And yet she doesn't understand "Let me get to the next save point." at all. She's very impatient and selfish.
My oldest brother, Mike, has told her off and I think he is the one that loves her the most out of the three of us. Any attempt to calmly, forcefully, or even hint at pointing out something she could do to make her life better, or the lives of people around her go unheard. I think she blocks out memories. After I moved out she told me she was sorry for everything and it helped, but then she later called me crying and delusional asking me if she was a good mother. I didn't say no, but I didn't say yes. I told her that she tried her best, but she hurt me a lot. She needed to hear it. When I was little she would scream at us for everything, then later cry and apologize. She was so out of it that I had to lie, as a child, telling her she was the best mother ever. I used to say, "When God made me I picked to be your daughter." Which was bull shit; I never meant it for a second. Telling her "I love you" felt like a huge lie too. I didn't feel it. For a while I stopped saying it. It was near the end of high school that she put her foot down and made me start saying it again. I don't remember when I ever felt love for my mother, or even most of my family. I like most of my family, but loving them is just weird. I do know that I love my oldest brother, and my grandmother. Everyone else I don't know them well enough to feel anything.
Ten years ago I had thought that by now I'd be living somewhere with out any contact from anyone in my family; it was a goal of mine. I almost didn't even care if I was living a "good" life; I had just planned to cut off all contact.
I think I just realized the wording for how I feel about my mother's parenting. My mother's care for me was conditional, if she didn't feel like it it didn't happen. I was like a toy she got bored of quickly. As much as I hate admitting it, I know she loved me and tried her best, but her best wasn't good enough. Sure, I did have a rough over my head and she never hit us aside from spanking a looooong time ago. Her lies, her lack of reliability, the person she is makes her unfit to offer care for living things. My brother Mike and I talked about this a few years ago: my mother used to be okay, but she's gotten worse and worse in her heart and head. I want to say it's not her fault, but she could also stand to try harder. She and I have a lot of the same emotional and mental problems and I at least know children aren't little maids that need to clean up after you; they aren't mini adults. They can't handle all that craziness.
I can't honestly say I feel any better sharing this, because I've shared all this before, but I know I would have felt worse if I held it all in. I don't know if I can undo all the damage, the living in fear of punishment for not dusting after getting home from school, the ridicule for my tics I have no control over, the hatred she makes me feel. I used to be a sweet, happy, and loving child and when I think of me at six I cry and think "I am so sorry." And I don't know if I am apologizing for my mother's actions or my feelings. I just wish I could fix everything for that sweet little girl and save her from how I feel now as an adult.
Sorry for such a post, but I guess we can label this working on my goal of being happy. I don't know how to get over all of this, but maybe sharing will help me find an answer.
Monday, January 10, 2011
I needed to upload this today.
This one is going to my friend Pete for one of his daughters. (There is a little one, and one on the way.) I made it out of fleece so it would be cuddly and easy to toss in the wash or spot clean. Plus faux fur is something I'm not willing to tackle yet because it can get messy!
I feel awesome right now.
I have my coffee.
I started my day with the battle of Why? again. I didn't want to get out of bed and start my day. I hung out for about 45 minutes just thinking of everything good and bad I have to do today or at some point. Finally I made my will save and got out of bed (Oh, DnD reference.) I filled my new Mana mug with coffee which is a small way for me to bring happiness into my life. For those who don't get this: There is a mug for sale that I got for Christmas that's a really nice blue that has the image of a video game potion bottle and it says "Mana" on it; the same place also sells a red one with a similar design that reads "Health" instead. I nerd-gasmed. I want both but Mana was more important to me because in TTRPGs I usually play casters and mana is their source of power. Also, in WoW items that are drinks usually replenish mana, while food items will replenish health, so it's double meaning. Also-also, Aaron's one wizard is an alcoholic, so he says drinking helps him cast, so that's the little cherry on top.
My Pathfinder story is really taking shape in my head and I have story for about four of the PCs so that helps, too. With four out of the main group of players we usually have I feel fine with starting the game soon and anyone not ready can suck it and miss out. Honestly, the people I want to play have their characters made, anyone else might stress me out. Well, out of the people who aren't ready there are two I'd like to have play, but both don't get to attend as frequently as the rest, so it's not a problem.
I think I want to be able to run next weekend. I think that might be my goal. I already have the first adventure and enough creatures to write out the second one just in case we blow through the first part. I hope that works because I'm not sure how what I have on paper will translate into time-wise or even fun-wise. Oh, shoot, I need to pick my witch's spells, too.
I really wanted to sew all weekend. That was the only thing I wanted to do. Everything else felt like a huge distraction. We played Kevin's dungeon of Bob's game which should have been way more awesome to me, but I just kept stressing out because two days in a row when on both days I had inspiration to do something else. So, I liked the adventure, but I needed my me time and we had already promised to host. Luckily I did have time to cut out the pattern for the teddy bear. So, all I need to do is pin it, sew it, and stuff it.
On my list of things I would like to sew soon are:
One teddy bear for Pete's daughter
One lamb for my friend Melissa
One bunny for myself
One of the three above for Debbie's daughter
(Then figure out how to alter one of the patterns to look like a cat for someone special.)
Then for myself I want to make:
A little fleece shaw/half cape-thingy.
A Jacket
A bag
Possibly pj pants
Then after all that I will attempt to tackle making a steam punk outfit. Luckily these are all things I do have patterns for.
Since I hate sharing my goals because of worrying about failing and looking like an ass, I will force myself to share one more: I want to sell my work. So, all these patterns are helping me understand sewing. I want to get comfortable with each pattern then move on to design my own, then make a bunch of things, get registered at a convention and then sell it. I was working on this with potpourri, but that's tricky to do. I need one month and materials in advance of my sell date for potpourri, and if I hold onto the finished potpourri for too long the scent will fade, and it won't sell. So, I will still collect tea leaves, and I have a nice stack of oils but I hope to make something a little more sellable, and the potpourri can be a little extra side thing. I know this won't make me rich, but I will be able to sew for sun, and make pocket change with it which is great.
Oh, one last thing before I go:
I had a weird dream last night. Aaron and I were driving a bed like a car to go from 'our apartment' to visit his parents. On the way we made a pit stop at a mall/rest stop. There I found Frakenstein's monster. However, this is what he looked like: He was tall and lanky with peach skin like a human, but a little pale. Then parts of him looked to have almost a blush effect, like the front's of his arms, legs, torso and so on. He also had spots, not quite freckles and not quite liver spots. He had a large bald head, pointed ears that were sorta twisted around, and huge large, stark white eyes. He looked kinda like an alien with a weird color scheme. He was crazy-friendly, but rather scary and he kept giving me hugs. I finally woke up when someone used the bathroom IRL and turned on the water which is right by my head when I sleep. The hissing of the water went into my dream and the thing started to hiss, also.
My Pathfinder story is really taking shape in my head and I have story for about four of the PCs so that helps, too. With four out of the main group of players we usually have I feel fine with starting the game soon and anyone not ready can suck it and miss out. Honestly, the people I want to play have their characters made, anyone else might stress me out. Well, out of the people who aren't ready there are two I'd like to have play, but both don't get to attend as frequently as the rest, so it's not a problem.
I think I want to be able to run next weekend. I think that might be my goal. I already have the first adventure and enough creatures to write out the second one just in case we blow through the first part. I hope that works because I'm not sure how what I have on paper will translate into time-wise or even fun-wise. Oh, shoot, I need to pick my witch's spells, too.
I really wanted to sew all weekend. That was the only thing I wanted to do. Everything else felt like a huge distraction. We played Kevin's dungeon of Bob's game which should have been way more awesome to me, but I just kept stressing out because two days in a row when on both days I had inspiration to do something else. So, I liked the adventure, but I needed my me time and we had already promised to host. Luckily I did have time to cut out the pattern for the teddy bear. So, all I need to do is pin it, sew it, and stuff it.
On my list of things I would like to sew soon are:
One teddy bear for Pete's daughter
One lamb for my friend Melissa
One bunny for myself
One of the three above for Debbie's daughter
(Then figure out how to alter one of the patterns to look like a cat for someone special.)
Then for myself I want to make:
A little fleece shaw/half cape-thingy.
A Jacket
A bag
Possibly pj pants
Then after all that I will attempt to tackle making a steam punk outfit. Luckily these are all things I do have patterns for.
Since I hate sharing my goals because of worrying about failing and looking like an ass, I will force myself to share one more: I want to sell my work. So, all these patterns are helping me understand sewing. I want to get comfortable with each pattern then move on to design my own, then make a bunch of things, get registered at a convention and then sell it. I was working on this with potpourri, but that's tricky to do. I need one month and materials in advance of my sell date for potpourri, and if I hold onto the finished potpourri for too long the scent will fade, and it won't sell. So, I will still collect tea leaves, and I have a nice stack of oils but I hope to make something a little more sellable, and the potpourri can be a little extra side thing. I know this won't make me rich, but I will be able to sew for sun, and make pocket change with it which is great.
Oh, one last thing before I go:
I had a weird dream last night. Aaron and I were driving a bed like a car to go from 'our apartment' to visit his parents. On the way we made a pit stop at a mall/rest stop. There I found Frakenstein's monster. However, this is what he looked like: He was tall and lanky with peach skin like a human, but a little pale. Then parts of him looked to have almost a blush effect, like the front's of his arms, legs, torso and so on. He also had spots, not quite freckles and not quite liver spots. He had a large bald head, pointed ears that were sorta twisted around, and huge large, stark white eyes. He looked kinda like an alien with a weird color scheme. He was crazy-friendly, but rather scary and he kept giving me hugs. I finally woke up when someone used the bathroom IRL and turned on the water which is right by my head when I sleep. The hissing of the water went into my dream and the thing started to hiss, also.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Double the post, today.
I didn't blog yesterday. That's it. I just didn't, so no use dancing around it. My reason for distraction was planning on writing in the later afternoon, but Aaron came home super early from work because the snow just came down. So, that helps goal number 2. "Be happy." Now I understand that is a temporary little thing and Being happy is a long term goal that will involve me really sorting through my feelings. However, little steps along the way are important, too.
I also got my Shaman to 75 yesterday with Aaron's help when I was too blah to push through a quest line. It's turning into about one level every hard core day of playing, or day and a half. So, five - seven more days and I'll hit 80. Someone was saying how Cataclysm is a level per zone, so 85 might take two weeks. Per zone, for those who don't know, is one little section of the world. You can think of it as a little story arc and usually has a bunch of quests to do. Just so you know about leveling; 1-20 took me about three days or four, max. Now I am looking at a level per day, roughly. Everything in between gradually takes longer than the last previous few levels.
Also, today, I should be running out to the fabric store with Aaron's mom. Last time we were there they were selling patterns for 99 cents. Usually a set of patterns can be anywhere from 10 - 17 dollars. I had grabbed about seven but left one behind because Aaron's mom was making me anxious. The story there is I'm job hunting, I have no money, I have student loans needing to be paid back already and I said a project I wanted to try was making a jacket. I had a 20 dollar gift card at the time and I wanted to pick up a bunch of patterns because of the sale, as well as some fabric. In her usual tactless manner she told me not to spend my Christmas money to cover the difference and stay within 20 dollars. I know she means well, but she doesn't know how to filter anything she says and it really gets under my skin; more so when she says stupid shit to Aaron. That's another topic, however.
Anyway, back to the fabric store. I saw a pattern for a teddy bear and I had been wanting to try making dolls since high school. In the car I mentioned that and she said I should have gotten the doll pattern. I realized I should have, too. It was just her coming over and looking at the patterns and saying "That's not a jacket." really made me stressed out. If it was my own mom, I could have snapped at her a bit, or really explained, but this isn't my mom, it's Aaron's, so I kept my mouth shut. Since that day she's been saying I should really go back and get it. Today she said that if it isn't on sale anymore she would buy it for me. Yeah, really nice, right? As much as she pisses me off ... a lot, I know she means well. Aaron described it best: I am like a scared kitten in a new house and I want to run and hide under the bed all the time even though being outside of the bed is safe. Which is true. I hide in here, or in our room and avoid his parents when I can. Comfort issues with new people. Living here is really weird and awkward for me. I want to be independent, but I can't. I know we are imposing on his parents, but yet I want them to leave me alone most of the time. Usually I'm a very private person.
Last thing, because this feels pretty long already: we are playing DnD today. Sadly this is one of the games that's crap, however, the usual DM isn't running it and some one else is going to be doing a one-shot dungeon, so it should be better than normal.
I looked over the Beastiary 2 and wrote down on paper monsters from level 1-7, then a handful of higher CRs and thought of how I wanted to use them. I found my plot-line-race that will be rather important. With out giving anything away there is one non-playable race the characters will meet and learn some plot from. Before in DnD I had it as this one race, but this race wasn't in Pathfinder, so I picked this new race that is sexy. Now the hard part: writing everything down and sticking to it. After that running it is easy enough. In order of hardest to easiest: Writing everything out the way you need it so everything is playable and interesting; thinking of connection story lines; thinking of story lines; picking cool monsters and NPCs.
I will work on my story when I can, and I think I'm going to tackle sewing next week. Wish me luck!
I also got my Shaman to 75 yesterday with Aaron's help when I was too blah to push through a quest line. It's turning into about one level every hard core day of playing, or day and a half. So, five - seven more days and I'll hit 80. Someone was saying how Cataclysm is a level per zone, so 85 might take two weeks. Per zone, for those who don't know, is one little section of the world. You can think of it as a little story arc and usually has a bunch of quests to do. Just so you know about leveling; 1-20 took me about three days or four, max. Now I am looking at a level per day, roughly. Everything in between gradually takes longer than the last previous few levels.
Also, today, I should be running out to the fabric store with Aaron's mom. Last time we were there they were selling patterns for 99 cents. Usually a set of patterns can be anywhere from 10 - 17 dollars. I had grabbed about seven but left one behind because Aaron's mom was making me anxious. The story there is I'm job hunting, I have no money, I have student loans needing to be paid back already and I said a project I wanted to try was making a jacket. I had a 20 dollar gift card at the time and I wanted to pick up a bunch of patterns because of the sale, as well as some fabric. In her usual tactless manner she told me not to spend my Christmas money to cover the difference and stay within 20 dollars. I know she means well, but she doesn't know how to filter anything she says and it really gets under my skin; more so when she says stupid shit to Aaron. That's another topic, however.
Anyway, back to the fabric store. I saw a pattern for a teddy bear and I had been wanting to try making dolls since high school. In the car I mentioned that and she said I should have gotten the doll pattern. I realized I should have, too. It was just her coming over and looking at the patterns and saying "That's not a jacket." really made me stressed out. If it was my own mom, I could have snapped at her a bit, or really explained, but this isn't my mom, it's Aaron's, so I kept my mouth shut. Since that day she's been saying I should really go back and get it. Today she said that if it isn't on sale anymore she would buy it for me. Yeah, really nice, right? As much as she pisses me off ... a lot, I know she means well. Aaron described it best: I am like a scared kitten in a new house and I want to run and hide under the bed all the time even though being outside of the bed is safe. Which is true. I hide in here, or in our room and avoid his parents when I can. Comfort issues with new people. Living here is really weird and awkward for me. I want to be independent, but I can't. I know we are imposing on his parents, but yet I want them to leave me alone most of the time. Usually I'm a very private person.
Last thing, because this feels pretty long already: we are playing DnD today. Sadly this is one of the games that's crap, however, the usual DM isn't running it and some one else is going to be doing a one-shot dungeon, so it should be better than normal.
I looked over the Beastiary 2 and wrote down on paper monsters from level 1-7, then a handful of higher CRs and thought of how I wanted to use them. I found my plot-line-race that will be rather important. With out giving anything away there is one non-playable race the characters will meet and learn some plot from. Before in DnD I had it as this one race, but this race wasn't in Pathfinder, so I picked this new race that is sexy. Now the hard part: writing everything down and sticking to it. After that running it is easy enough. In order of hardest to easiest: Writing everything out the way you need it so everything is playable and interesting; thinking of connection story lines; thinking of story lines; picking cool monsters and NPCs.
I will work on my story when I can, and I think I'm going to tackle sewing next week. Wish me luck!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I don't like getting out of bed in the morning.
On a good day I don't want to leave my warm sheets, but on most days I feel that there is no point to getting out of bed. Usually I'm not even tired but I seriously think through everything I could and should do during the day and really wonder what is the point. Aaron is at work, so it's not like we could cuddle or hang out or anything. I think of my goals, but wonder what does that really achieve. Then I think of how happy and accomplished I will feel, but that doesn't really give me the motivation. I will just be returning to the bed at some point, right? I hate that feeling. Most days I get out of bed because of the thought "I'm supposed to."
Today was one of those days. I'm not even sad or annoyed, and it's not laziness, because I do get out of bed. It's not a bored or tired feeling, it's just this bleak and hopeless feeling. It probably is tied to my issue with looking at everything I've got to do as one huge problem and not being able to sort it all out. So, focusing on trying to be a productive member of society I got out of bed and did my morning routine of coffee and checking up on various social elements. I had a text from Aaron, then I went to facebook, then I finally went to WoW to wake up while leveling my Shaman. Currently she is very close to 73, so I got about 2 levels since my last post which is good considering it's high levels and I didn't go hardcore on cranking out XP.
Also, yesterday, I worked on my story. I didn't get everything mapped out like I wanted, but I found a kick ass monster, and really got the structure of a story arch out of it. It's kind of basic, but I'm happy with it. I feel like I could have pushed myself more, but no point in getting frustrated at myself for not finishing the first adventure and being in a bad mood. I will enjoy this small victory. My problem with writing adventures is really fleshing things out. I can set down major points, but then adding in more to make it playable is where I tend to give up.
I've been a bit sick, nothing serious, but enough to give me a head ache today and the sniffles and a sore throat. I think I will focus on leveling my Shaman today and once I feel better really tackle at least one of my goals.
On a side note I just agreed to work on a project that I am taking next to no money for which I'm hoping isn't as bad of a choice as it could be. I want to work with this company and the projects are awesome. If I work for cheap right now, once they make more money and know how serious I am about working with them I hope I can be better compensated for my time.
Today was one of those days. I'm not even sad or annoyed, and it's not laziness, because I do get out of bed. It's not a bored or tired feeling, it's just this bleak and hopeless feeling. It probably is tied to my issue with looking at everything I've got to do as one huge problem and not being able to sort it all out. So, focusing on trying to be a productive member of society I got out of bed and did my morning routine of coffee and checking up on various social elements. I had a text from Aaron, then I went to facebook, then I finally went to WoW to wake up while leveling my Shaman. Currently she is very close to 73, so I got about 2 levels since my last post which is good considering it's high levels and I didn't go hardcore on cranking out XP.
Also, yesterday, I worked on my story. I didn't get everything mapped out like I wanted, but I found a kick ass monster, and really got the structure of a story arch out of it. It's kind of basic, but I'm happy with it. I feel like I could have pushed myself more, but no point in getting frustrated at myself for not finishing the first adventure and being in a bad mood. I will enjoy this small victory. My problem with writing adventures is really fleshing things out. I can set down major points, but then adding in more to make it playable is where I tend to give up.
I've been a bit sick, nothing serious, but enough to give me a head ache today and the sniffles and a sore throat. I think I will focus on leveling my Shaman today and once I feel better really tackle at least one of my goals.
On a side note I just agreed to work on a project that I am taking next to no money for which I'm hoping isn't as bad of a choice as it could be. I want to work with this company and the projects are awesome. If I work for cheap right now, once they make more money and know how serious I am about working with them I hope I can be better compensated for my time.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Taking a first step.
I noticed that I don't like sharing my goals with others because if I fail then people will think poorly of me. Unless the goal is something super easy or pointless. So, damn you Kameele for having me step out of my comfort zone. The stuff I do for you. ;) (From the wink can you tell that I'm only half serious, well, more like one-eighth serious.)
My other problem is I have this way of looking at my goals or just the things I need to do and thinking "I can't do all that, it's impossible." So, say I have one or two things, no biggie. Okay, add a third, time consuming but do-able. Then toss on a fourth and then I think of it like it's all one task that needs to get done RIGHT NOW and done perfectly with out letting any of it be left over to do the next day. I need to work on this, and I have been, but it's such a weird state of mind that deciphering what is actually overwhelming and what's just me being neurotic is still hard to figure out.
I think today I will work on task number six. Aaron got a new book for Pathfinder and the creatures in there are super sexy. They work perfectly for my campaign, too. I love it. I think I will start by jotting down monster names by their challenge rating and then go in and really sort through what works in my story and what doesn't. Luckily I do have the first little adventure set up in my head and it really only needs the creatures inserted in. So, I will try to pick them today and write it out in my DM note book. With the first adventure solidified then I can try moving on to the next one, or at least picking monsters. The map of the main city needs to be completed too, which is tricky because that's a rather new concept for me to think of the whole city, and not just a part.
As for some of my other goals, I do have new patterns for sewing which I'm not willing to tackle today. We are having company over on the weekend and I feel like if I were to start setting up my new sewing machine and working on stuff by the weekend I'll be annoyed needing to put it all away. Then again this may be me seeing everything happening at once like mentioned before. I will play this by ear and if I want to I'll just do it.
Also, not really a goal, but still sort of a goal: I need to get my sexy Draenei Shaman to lvl 85 in WoW. Aaron said he won't start playing until I ding 85, and playing WoW with Aaron is kind of important to me. I really want to raid with him and group with him. We are making Worgen together and he said the cutest thing. "How about you make your Worgen look like you and I make mine look like me?" I thought it was really sweet. Sadly my IRL name and any suitable variations were taken, so I picked a name that I like but then thought of a better one. Bah! lol I might work on remembering the better name and then seeing if I can create the same Worgen with that name.
*Note: Aaron knows about this blog-project I'm doing with my friends. He's at work right now and asked me for the link so he could come and read my daily posts which is very sweet of him. It reminds me of a time when I was dating someone else who refused to go read my blog. It was a long distance relationship at the time and I think I was still in high school, so I could blog about classes and stuff everyday during my study hall. I remember her saying, "I hate following blogs, so why don't you just tell me when you post something important and I'll look then." Which I told her defeats the purpose because then I could just tell her the whole story. Anyway, I bring that up to point out how awesome it is that Aaron wanted to read this with out me even hinting that I wanted him to read it. He said because he loves and supports me is why he wants to read it; something I never got from my ex. Weird how you remember things randomly.
Aaron, I love you. Thank you.
My other problem is I have this way of looking at my goals or just the things I need to do and thinking "I can't do all that, it's impossible." So, say I have one or two things, no biggie. Okay, add a third, time consuming but do-able. Then toss on a fourth and then I think of it like it's all one task that needs to get done RIGHT NOW and done perfectly with out letting any of it be left over to do the next day. I need to work on this, and I have been, but it's such a weird state of mind that deciphering what is actually overwhelming and what's just me being neurotic is still hard to figure out.
I think today I will work on task number six. Aaron got a new book for Pathfinder and the creatures in there are super sexy. They work perfectly for my campaign, too. I love it. I think I will start by jotting down monster names by their challenge rating and then go in and really sort through what works in my story and what doesn't. Luckily I do have the first little adventure set up in my head and it really only needs the creatures inserted in. So, I will try to pick them today and write it out in my DM note book. With the first adventure solidified then I can try moving on to the next one, or at least picking monsters. The map of the main city needs to be completed too, which is tricky because that's a rather new concept for me to think of the whole city, and not just a part.
As for some of my other goals, I do have new patterns for sewing which I'm not willing to tackle today. We are having company over on the weekend and I feel like if I were to start setting up my new sewing machine and working on stuff by the weekend I'll be annoyed needing to put it all away. Then again this may be me seeing everything happening at once like mentioned before. I will play this by ear and if I want to I'll just do it.
Also, not really a goal, but still sort of a goal: I need to get my sexy Draenei Shaman to lvl 85 in WoW. Aaron said he won't start playing until I ding 85, and playing WoW with Aaron is kind of important to me. I really want to raid with him and group with him. We are making Worgen together and he said the cutest thing. "How about you make your Worgen look like you and I make mine look like me?" I thought it was really sweet. Sadly my IRL name and any suitable variations were taken, so I picked a name that I like but then thought of a better one. Bah! lol I might work on remembering the better name and then seeing if I can create the same Worgen with that name.
*Note: Aaron knows about this blog-project I'm doing with my friends. He's at work right now and asked me for the link so he could come and read my daily posts which is very sweet of him. It reminds me of a time when I was dating someone else who refused to go read my blog. It was a long distance relationship at the time and I think I was still in high school, so I could blog about classes and stuff everyday during my study hall. I remember her saying, "I hate following blogs, so why don't you just tell me when you post something important and I'll look then." Which I told her defeats the purpose because then I could just tell her the whole story. Anyway, I bring that up to point out how awesome it is that Aaron wanted to read this with out me even hinting that I wanted him to read it. He said because he loves and supports me is why he wants to read it; something I never got from my ex. Weird how you remember things randomly.
Aaron, I love you. Thank you.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I've never been good at titling things.
So, I've never been good at picking a title for anything. Take this blog for example. I was going with "Call Me Jack" but that has already been taken and has two posts made in 2006. It looked interesting, but I couldn't help but feel a little annoyed that the name I wanted was taken. I got over it and thought for a while and came up with what I have now. Not as good, it feels weird, the title I picked.
I promised a few dear friends to do a daily blog, so, I can't figure out how to write this. The world could see this if they wanted, but it's for my friends, so who do I address? What tone of voice do I write in? Addressing the world and addressing my personal friends both offer up the same feelings of being free to say whatever I want and feeling like I shouldn't in different ways.
Also, I will keep my promise, I will tell you my name. It is Jack. I will continue to be honest: that is not the name on my birth certificate or my state ID, but after going by it for so long it has become my name and I will go into that in later posts.
Now onto why this was made. I need some goals to do over the next year. I don't feel like there are any goals other than the basic things of getting a job and being happy, so, let's go with that.
Goals:
1. Get a job.
2. Be happy.
3. Work on my sewing skills.
4. Work on my drawing and animation skills.
5. Have a picture of me dressed like a crooner.
6. Construct and run a good TTRPG.
One is something I've been trying to do since I graduated college and lost my work-study-job-thing. Up until recently it's been crap. However, I should be talking prices with someone soon.
Two is worth mentioning. I flip flop too much which I guess is okay, but over all I want to be sure in saying "my life is good and I am happy." I'm okay right now, but I feel like I'm just sort of falling. I have my loving boy friend Aaron holding my hand on the way down, but until he and I get our own place again I just feel like shit.
Three is pretty new. Since high school I've been super serious about wanting to sew, mostly dolls, but anything, really. However, I've always had this feeling of inferiority to everything, even myself, so I never really tried to work on that skill. It turns out I can sorta sew and I want to get better at it.
Four is the art that I knew I could do; even on my crap days. I want to forever get better at this. Action poses, coloring, new animation styles are all things I want to tackle this year.
Five is for fun. I wanted to do this before I graduated with the aid of a photography major friend of mine, but I got busy with finals and lost my sexy fedora. I need to do this sometime this year.
Six may sound trivial, but I used to be better at story telling, and I really need to do this for myself. Drawing, sewing and animating are all great, but for me story telling for others takes a level of focus that I have lost.
I promised a few dear friends to do a daily blog, so, I can't figure out how to write this. The world could see this if they wanted, but it's for my friends, so who do I address? What tone of voice do I write in? Addressing the world and addressing my personal friends both offer up the same feelings of being free to say whatever I want and feeling like I shouldn't in different ways.
Also, I will keep my promise, I will tell you my name. It is Jack. I will continue to be honest: that is not the name on my birth certificate or my state ID, but after going by it for so long it has become my name and I will go into that in later posts.
Now onto why this was made. I need some goals to do over the next year. I don't feel like there are any goals other than the basic things of getting a job and being happy, so, let's go with that.
Goals:
1. Get a job.
2. Be happy.
3. Work on my sewing skills.
4. Work on my drawing and animation skills.
5. Have a picture of me dressed like a crooner.
6. Construct and run a good TTRPG.
One is something I've been trying to do since I graduated college and lost my work-study-job-thing. Up until recently it's been crap. However, I should be talking prices with someone soon.
Two is worth mentioning. I flip flop too much which I guess is okay, but over all I want to be sure in saying "my life is good and I am happy." I'm okay right now, but I feel like I'm just sort of falling. I have my loving boy friend Aaron holding my hand on the way down, but until he and I get our own place again I just feel like shit.
Three is pretty new. Since high school I've been super serious about wanting to sew, mostly dolls, but anything, really. However, I've always had this feeling of inferiority to everything, even myself, so I never really tried to work on that skill. It turns out I can sorta sew and I want to get better at it.
Four is the art that I knew I could do; even on my crap days. I want to forever get better at this. Action poses, coloring, new animation styles are all things I want to tackle this year.
Five is for fun. I wanted to do this before I graduated with the aid of a photography major friend of mine, but I got busy with finals and lost my sexy fedora. I need to do this sometime this year.
Six may sound trivial, but I used to be better at story telling, and I really need to do this for myself. Drawing, sewing and animating are all great, but for me story telling for others takes a level of focus that I have lost.
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